Why Have You Forsaken Me?

My God, my God why have You forsaken me? Why are You so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night but find no rest." -the words of a broken man.

The excerpt, of course, is the first two verses of Psalm 22. Recently, God put it on my heart to study this psalm.

At a prayer meeting one time, I heard a woman pray, "God, we're not supposed to cry. You hate it when we cry. You command us to rejoice!"

God commands us to rejoice?! If so, what does "rejoicing" look like? Is "rejoicing" walking around forcing a happy smile when inside we feel miserable and want to bawl our eyes out? Many people I know think that. When I heard that woman pray that, my heart broke. I got angry! Who told her that lie?! It was like she was saying that God is this gestapo that comes to you as you're bawling your eyes out and says, "Rejoice! What's wrong with you?! Suck it up, buttercup!" And yes, I know what Philippians 4:4 says, but is it actually just a command?

We can think it is! When we go to church we almost can feel guilty about showing our true emotions sometimes. I've felt this way especially in ministry.
People walk up to me and ask, "Hey Steve, how's it going?"
First words out of my mouth: "Good!" I force a smile at them.

There were times when I said that and I felt horrible! I had a sleepless night, a stressful week, a stubborn student in ministry not listening to me, financial woes, car problems, the list has gone on. Why didn't I just tell them?! I would have times of prayer with God in the midst of times like this: "Dear God, thank you for today..." when in reality I was not feeling that! So why didn't I tell Him that?! WHY?!

YES trials can mold us and shape us and YES God can use them, but sometimes what we forget is that GOD is NOT just LORD, but our LOVING FATHER! You know what His tone is in saying the words, "Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say rejoice?" It is this: He gently puts His hand on our shoulder, looks at us with the most compassionate eyes imaginable as we are bitter and weeping and says, "I'm your Dad, I love you, and I'll get you through this. Rejoice!"

I'm not going to lie, but when I think about that, it brings tears to my eyes.

Because we've all had times in our lives when we've felt horrible! David WAS feeling horrible as he was writing this and yet it is in the Bible as one of the most popular psalms. One of the main examples, of course was that through the poetic imagery he was using, he was describing Jesus on the cross. When he wrote the words, "they have pierced my hands and feet" (v. 16), historically speaking crucifixion wasn't even invented yet as a form of execution. So what does that mean?

God used this broken man, that's what it means. David was just expressing his heart to God, but GOD was using HIM to explain to the WORLD that ultimately THIS WILL BE JESUS.

Jesus,
the God of the universe who became a man.
A broken man of sorrows,
bearing the wrath we deserve.
He
was
forsaken.
David felt forsaken,
Jesus was forsaken.
We feel forsaken,
Jesus was forsaken.

And because of that, in Christ we are NEVER forsaken. Toward the end of that psalm, David's tone changed to words of PURE PRAISE to God. We are supposed to praise and rejoice in God, yes! If I sounded like I was contradicting myself, I was not. We are supposed to and He does command it, BUT God at the same time allows us to come to Him as real people! We can come broken, bitter, and weeping and God does not condemn us, but embraces us as a loving Father embraces His son who just fell off a bike and is crying over a scraped knee. I don't know about you, but that God deserves to be rejoiced over.

So let's come to Him!

Confessions and Struggles

This post serves a few purposes. It's to get a few things off my chest and out in the open. It's also for me so I can actually see these issues and pray about them. They're also for you to pray about for me, if you don't mind. Lastly, they're to show to others that as a Christian, I'm not perfect, but just forgiven. These are in no particular order....

My theology changes a lot. Obviously my root in Christ never changes, but I learn new things and feel new convictions about certain issues everyday. There are still certain issues I still don't know about and I'm still wrestling with. People tell me sometimes that I have so much knowledge about the Bible. The truth is, I'm flattered, but I don't know enough and I'm still learning. I know I have been in the company of friends before where they witness me saying one thing on a particular issue, and then a little later they hear me saying something completely different. I don't want to be a "flip-flopper", but sometimes I feel like one. For example something that I'm wrestling with right now is the importance of going to church. Does one have to go to church on Sunday? Does a Bible study with a few friends constitute "church"? Pray for me on this because I am struggling. Intellectually I can probably tell you "no" or "yes" on certain issues, but my heart is having a hard time following suit.

Making friends can be easy, but being a friend is hard. Does anyone else know what I'm saying? I war with this desire sometimes between keeping a friend and being a friend. There are times when I feel like I should tell something to someone that they need to hear, mainly about the good news of Jesus, but because I don't want to lose them as a friend, I chicken out. Other times it may be about certain issues where they disrespect me, and I want to stand up, but I chicken out. I feel like David after he becomes king. David had a heart after people and loved them, but he was such a pushover at times. Read 2 Samuel and you'll see a whole lot of that. I've written things on here directed toward certain people at times, but have never actually confronted those people on those issues. You don't know who you are, and to tell you the truth, no names are immediately coming to mind, but I feel like I need to apologize. People have told me that I have such a genuine love for people, but in issues like this it doesn't feel so genuine.

Anointing for ministry is a free gift, not something I earned. I've been prophesied over, and have been told by multiple people that God has given me a heart for full-time ministry. Sometimes I feel like people have this sense of "awe" about me, like I'm some amazing holy person or something. And of course because of that, it's easy to get cocky and think, "Yeah, I am pretty holy aren't I?" The bottom line is that I didn't earn this by hard work, but it was something God ordained me to do. He chose me well before I was even close to being equipped for this....actually it was even well before I was born. I even get this feeling like, "Oh great here's so-in-so..." and then put on this fake smile when they approach me. The selfish pride in my heart in situations like this is just sickening. Why can't I greet this person like I would greet someone I actually want to see? If I ever gave you the vibe that I was acting like that, please forgive me. Even if you didn't feel that vibe and I was doing it anyways, please forgive me.

I know that a lot of these things are just "human struggles" that everyone goes through. I also know that these things just go to show that I need Jesus just as much as the next guy. He didn't die for me because of how cool I am, but because of how uncool I am. He died for me because of issues like the ones I'm writing about now. God's grace is amazing that He would use someone like me and call me a saint when my motives at times are most definitely not saintly at all. However He does that because He doesn't see me, but the One who died for me and met the standard I'm trying to reach.

To God be the Glory.

Peace,

Steve