2011 was crazy! In regards to weather, CT saw a record amount of water pound us, with the most snow we've ever had on record, lots of rain and flooding early on in the spring, a hurricane and a White Halloween!
In a lot of ways 2011 felt like a storm for me too. I didn't have anything tragic happen to me, but I found a great deal of metamorphosis happen in this heart of mine. It hurt, but the pain was a good pain.
In being an American Christian, a myriad of opinions are fed to you on a daily basis. I realized that for a lot of my Christian walk, I was doing a lot of "nodding and smiling" during church services. This past year I found myself really wrestling with several aspects of the Christian faith. Things that have been shared to me for years, and things that I shared with others, but not necessarily ones I thought were true myself.
Therefore I found myself having a much deeper desire to feed off scripture. I just wanted the Bible! I found myself bringing it with me everyday to work. Even if I never read it, there was a sense of security for me to have it.
This may sound surprising, but one book that really taught me to have a deeper foundation on certain truths was Love Wins, the very controversial book by Rob Bell. Yes, I read it, and no, it's not as heretical as some people think it is (I humbly suggest reading it for yourself).
But anyway, it was the first book I read where I actually felt challenged to pick up the Bible and read passages quoted in it for myself. Never before when reading a Christian book have I been challenged to do that. I always simply nodded and smiled when reading books that quoted the Bible.
I walked away from the book with a much firmer grasp on the truths concerning Heaven, Hell, Jesus, sin and redemption. And wasn't that Rob Bell's goal? (see the closing sentences of the Introduction to his book when you get it. I'd quote it, but I lent the book to a friend).
There was also a deeper recognition of God's love that happened. And He did it to me through the one contemporary worship song that I absolutely despise: "How He Loves Us. " It was a song which for years I couldn't stand. It was overplayed at worship sessions, I felt egotistical singing it ("He is jealous for me"), and it even felt unBiblical in some spots (ex. the line "We are His portion and He is our prize"). On top of that, it was overly-catchy and got stuck in my head all the time!
However one night this past summer when I was on a personal retreat, stressed out and couldn't sleep, I prayed to God some prayers of frustration. Frustration toward myself, Him and others. Then I couldn't explain it, but God quietly whispered to me these words: "sing 'How He Loves Us' for me." I was shocked. God knew I couldn't stand this song, and yet He wanted me to sing it. So I did, and found myself feeling the comfort of my loving Savior.
For so many years I found myself repeatedly coming to the altar before God. There were standards of holiness I knew that I had fallen short of. People in third world countries took bullets for Jesus and I found myself chickening out by not sharing Jesus with my co-workers. I felt guilty, I felt hopeless, I felt stressed out because I knew I couldn't do it. Then there was God's reassuring hand on my shoulder saying, "Son, it's okay...I forgive you, I love you..." But I shut those words out with my words of guilt.
But God DOES love me. I am NEW in the eyes of God. A saint even! A friend! A Son! His mercies are new every morning.
So now 2011 is drawing to a close. There are scars from this past year, but each scar is a memory. Each scar is not a scar of regret but a scar of sanctification. The scars are reminders of the past, but at the same time reminders that the past is healed. I'm forgiven. I fell short so many times, but I am forgiven and free in the eyes of a loving, magnificent God.
And I'm still wrestling. I'm still asking questions, but regardless of what happens I am convinced that God's loving hand on my life is not going anywhere.
Holding fast while He holds faster onto me,
Steve
