Weakness, Part 1

"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

-2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Two summers ago I had a partial tear in my soleus muscle, which is a muscle located just behind the knee on the outer side of the leg. It caused me for much of the summer and autumn months to be off my feet. I was told that I didn't need surgery, but the only thing that would heal my injury was physical therapy and time.

So I waited.

And stretched.

And waited some more.

I remembered certain thoughts crossing my mind: "Am I ever going to get out of this? Will I ever run again?"

I felt weak.

As a man I don't like feeling weak. I like feeling strong. I like feeling tough. I like working hard and being active. I like it when my hands are busy, I like it when I'm laboring with others. However I have found times when I want to labor, but I can't.

Lately I have been feeling like I am in one of those seasons again. A season of weakness. I remembered feeling joy of ministry, feeling excited to serve, excited to see God move.

Not as much right now.

Ministry for me these past two years at EDGE Corps has caused wounds to be revealed. Some were inflicted during my time doing it and others were ones there the whole time, I just never paid attention to them. Wounds of guilt, shame, fear. Pains of stress and worry. Wounds of sins. Wounds of idols I was holding onto. Idols like having that "title".

"Hi I'm Steve Timmons, on staff with The Navigators."

That title feels so good. I wanted that title of ministry, of being in the spotlight, of being known, but now I'm questioning the heat of that spotlight. In many ways I'm even beginning to dread it and want to run away from it. That spotlight has also been causing me to ask a lot of questions, such as:

"Why do I believe what I believe?"

"Is the church really doing this ministry thing right?"

"Am I doing ministry right?"

"What does ministry even mean?"

"Is the church doing anything right?"

"Am I okay with Jesus?"

"Am I healed? Am I forgiven?"

"Am I in God's will right now or outside of it?"

"Does going to church really mean anything?"

"Is what that pastor saying really true?"

"What are my convictions on different issues?"

"Why do we Christians preach so much?"

"Why do Christians break promises?"

"Why do we have fake smiles all the time?"

"Am I doing ministry right?"

"Am I in a great place spiritually?"

"Is this even worth it?"

"Are people even listening to me?"

"Am I honoring God with everything?"

"Is God mad at me?"

It's funny how far off the beaten path the mind can wander sometimes.

Paul had a similar problem. He wanted strength again, he wanted freedom, but for some reason it wasn't happening. He pleaded, begged with God for release, but it never came.

Over these past two years I've had a lot of sleepless nights. I have been lying there in bed with my eyes wide open and my head spinning. I have cried out to God for release over and over, but it didn't come.

I want strength again. I want to stand on top of that mountain, feeling that Holy Spirit high.

So where is it? Where is that relief? Where is that strength? Where is that peace?

Stay tuned for Part 2.....

FREE FOOD!

At any college event, what is the one thing that gets students to come out?

Answer: FREE FOOD!

My biggest expense since starting ministry at Eastern CT State University has not been Bibles, nor has it been Topical Memory Systems, nor other spiritual resources. It has been food.

Last spring when I led a Seeker Study for spiritually curious college students, I bought them free pizza and soda every single week. I remembered those evenings when I walked into the Student Center with those pizzas, passerby students would look at me and say, "OOH! Pizza!"

Last fall when we had a men's run and Bible Study, we had it over delicious breakfast at a local restaurant in Willimantic called That Breakfast Place. To this day they still fondly remember those times there.

Mark, a student athlete at ECSU who I've been meeting up with came up and asked me, "Hey Steve, we should go out to Friendly's again. I really enjoyed it!"

One of the best ways I've found to bless a college student is buy them a meal. After all, the average student nowadays usually doesn't make much money. They can be too buried in academics and extra-curricular activities to hold even a basic part-time job to put food on their tables. They also may only have enough cooking skills and materials to make Ramen noodles, Easy Mac, or if they're really fancy....pasta. And yes, those things do get old. Very old.

It's a humbling thing as well to get treated to a meal. It makes you feel special. At times when I've had meetings with people and they snatch the bill to pay for it, I feel honored and humbled. One of the things I did for some new freshmen this past fall was buy them all

lunch at Friendly's. They appreciated it so much and thanked me when I offered to pay for them. Jesus bought his disciples a meal for their last supper together by pre-arranging a facility and various types of food for eating. He did this not only to show them the full meaning of the Passover meal, but also because He loved them and wanted to interact with them over a meal.

What is even more meaningful to that someone is sharing that same meal with them. People who eat together share a common bond: their food! There is also a well-known verse in the Bible about Jesus eating a meal with us when we invite Him into our hearts: "Here I am, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me" (Revelation 3:20). What an amazing picture to think about: the all-powerful God of the universe wanting to come into us not just to change us, but to interact with us over a meal!

Meals in Jesus' time were eaten slowly and were designed to be not just times of eating, but of socializing. I have a big reputation of being a slow eater, and I'm proud of it! This is because I like to enjoy the food and also enjoy the company I'm eating with. Sharing a meal with someone shows that you're looking at them as an equal and meeting them on their level. Plus if the conversation isn't going that deep, you can at least talk about how good the food is!

I enjoy sharing a meal with other people. I also find that even if I never eat with other people, I find that they love engaging me about food! "Hey Steve, have you ever been to this restaurant? Dude, you've gotta go there. You'll love it!" Food is one of the best conversation starters. If you can't engage someone about movies, music, or politics, try breaking the ice by talking about food!

So to those who financially support me and this ministry to ECSU, this is the biggest way that you have been a blessing to students. Thank you very much for your partnership!

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Picture 1: Turkey Club Supermelts from Friendly's. That student Mark I talked about ordered two of them one time when we ate at Friendly's. It was just after Track Practice and he was starving. He ate both of them before I finished my one melt!

Picture 2: That Breakfast Place, the local restaurant in Willimantic we ate out at for our Men's Bible Study every Saturday morning last semester. Those people served we eight sweaty, smelly guys very well!

"Father of a murdered son, husband of a murdered wife..."

"How dare you show your back to me! Slave!" Commodus looked at the gladiator, offended. "You will remove your helmet and tell me your name."

The gladiator looked down, his back still facing the offended caesar. Reluctantly, he removed his helmet, exposing his moist, matted hair. He turned around with a look of determination and fury. "My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the armies of the north, general of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true Emperor, Marcus Aurelius..."

He stepped slowly toward the befuddled emperor, not looking away for an instant. "...Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance in this life, or the next."

Gladiator is probably one of my all-time favorite movies. It is a classic example of good triumphing over evil, and the bad guy truly getting what he deserved. Recently when I was watching it, that particular scene really stuck out to me.

It made me think in many ways about God's broken relationship with man. He made man in His image, made woman in the man's image, both to glorify Him. Man then deliberately disobeyed Him and as a result, that man and all of us after that man became infected with sin.

As a result, our default ways are evil and we only do it because we want to be God. We think our rules are better than His, so we give Him the finger and do it ourselves. So God, over and over again, sends us prophets. We disown them, we beat them up, we even kill them.

If you were God, wouldn't you stop here? Wouldn't you just end it all by destroying all these people? They still won't listen!

But God doesn't do that. God instead looks at His Son, His only Son and says, "Son, please tell them to turn back to me." So His Son comes to earth as a man, and we laugh at Him, mock Him, spit on Him, nail metal spikes into His hands and feet and hang Him bleeding and naked on a wooden cross for six hours until He died.

Yes, we murdered God. We weren't there physically, but we are presently just as responsible for His death as Judas, as Pilate, as the Pharisees, and as the Roman guards.

This is offensive, isn't it? This is something we don't want to hear. This is something I don't even want to type! But in God's eyes, this is why justice through eternal damnation in Hell makes perfect sense. Just like how Maximus' declaration of vengeance makes sense. I cheered for him when I watched that movie, didn't you?

But here is something that's absolutely shocking. It's more than shocking! It's scandalous! Though Jesus Christ was murdered by mankind, that same death became the payment for the condemnation we deserve. Through believing that death did this, we go from being called enemies to being called sons.

There was silence in that Roman arena when Maximus looked with fury at Commodus. There was shock. There was disbelief. However, imagine the disbelief if the scene continued like this:

"...Father of a murdered son, husband of a murdered wife..." his eyes then became eyes of compassion. "I forgive you, Commodus. More than that, I want to adopt you. I want to call you my son."

People would be even more shocked, maybe a little angry too. Commodus himself would probably faint in disbelief!

This is what God offers us. Still, though we rebel through our thoughts and actions, He continues to show love and grace to us. He continues to pursue us. Though He should be infuriated, He is lovingly holding that fury back from us and offering us untold grace and love. He's offering us Himself.

That's God's love. We don't deserve it, but we get it. He offers it to all of mankind, no matter how bad we've been.

Isn't that amazing? It's funny how many of us will just stay with the condemnation. Even Christians. We stop at the condemnation and we get offended that it's even there, but we forget about the bigger love despite that! God offers us a bigger love.

Will you embrace that love?