Weakness, Part 1

"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

-2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Two summers ago I had a partial tear in my soleus muscle, which is a muscle located just behind the knee on the outer side of the leg. It caused me for much of the summer and autumn months to be off my feet. I was told that I didn't need surgery, but the only thing that would heal my injury was physical therapy and time.

So I waited.

And stretched.

And waited some more.

I remembered certain thoughts crossing my mind: "Am I ever going to get out of this? Will I ever run again?"

I felt weak.

As a man I don't like feeling weak. I like feeling strong. I like feeling tough. I like working hard and being active. I like it when my hands are busy, I like it when I'm laboring with others. However I have found times when I want to labor, but I can't.

Lately I have been feeling like I am in one of those seasons again. A season of weakness. I remembered feeling joy of ministry, feeling excited to serve, excited to see God move.

Not as much right now.

Ministry for me these past two years at EDGE Corps has caused wounds to be revealed. Some were inflicted during my time doing it and others were ones there the whole time, I just never paid attention to them. Wounds of guilt, shame, fear. Pains of stress and worry. Wounds of sins. Wounds of idols I was holding onto. Idols like having that "title".

"Hi I'm Steve Timmons, on staff with The Navigators."

That title feels so good. I wanted that title of ministry, of being in the spotlight, of being known, but now I'm questioning the heat of that spotlight. In many ways I'm even beginning to dread it and want to run away from it. That spotlight has also been causing me to ask a lot of questions, such as:

"Why do I believe what I believe?"

"Is the church really doing this ministry thing right?"

"Am I doing ministry right?"

"What does ministry even mean?"

"Is the church doing anything right?"

"Am I okay with Jesus?"

"Am I healed? Am I forgiven?"

"Am I in God's will right now or outside of it?"

"Does going to church really mean anything?"

"Is what that pastor saying really true?"

"What are my convictions on different issues?"

"Why do we Christians preach so much?"

"Why do Christians break promises?"

"Why do we have fake smiles all the time?"

"Am I doing ministry right?"

"Am I in a great place spiritually?"

"Is this even worth it?"

"Are people even listening to me?"

"Am I honoring God with everything?"

"Is God mad at me?"

It's funny how far off the beaten path the mind can wander sometimes.

Paul had a similar problem. He wanted strength again, he wanted freedom, but for some reason it wasn't happening. He pleaded, begged with God for release, but it never came.

Over these past two years I've had a lot of sleepless nights. I have been lying there in bed with my eyes wide open and my head spinning. I have cried out to God for release over and over, but it didn't come.

I want strength again. I want to stand on top of that mountain, feeling that Holy Spirit high.

So where is it? Where is that relief? Where is that strength? Where is that peace?

Stay tuned for Part 2.....