Confessions and Struggles

This post serves a few purposes. It's to get a few things off my chest and out in the open. It's also for me so I can actually see these issues and pray about them. They're also for you to pray about for me, if you don't mind. Lastly, they're to show to others that as a Christian, I'm not perfect, but just forgiven. These are in no particular order....

My theology changes a lot. Obviously my root in Christ never changes, but I learn new things and feel new convictions about certain issues everyday. There are still certain issues I still don't know about and I'm still wrestling with. People tell me sometimes that I have so much knowledge about the Bible. The truth is, I'm flattered, but I don't know enough and I'm still learning. I know I have been in the company of friends before where they witness me saying one thing on a particular issue, and then a little later they hear me saying something completely different. I don't want to be a "flip-flopper", but sometimes I feel like one. For example something that I'm wrestling with right now is the importance of going to church. Does one have to go to church on Sunday? Does a Bible study with a few friends constitute "church"? Pray for me on this because I am struggling. Intellectually I can probably tell you "no" or "yes" on certain issues, but my heart is having a hard time following suit.

Making friends can be easy, but being a friend is hard. Does anyone else know what I'm saying? I war with this desire sometimes between keeping a friend and being a friend. There are times when I feel like I should tell something to someone that they need to hear, mainly about the good news of Jesus, but because I don't want to lose them as a friend, I chicken out. Other times it may be about certain issues where they disrespect me, and I want to stand up, but I chicken out. I feel like David after he becomes king. David had a heart after people and loved them, but he was such a pushover at times. Read 2 Samuel and you'll see a whole lot of that. I've written things on here directed toward certain people at times, but have never actually confronted those people on those issues. You don't know who you are, and to tell you the truth, no names are immediately coming to mind, but I feel like I need to apologize. People have told me that I have such a genuine love for people, but in issues like this it doesn't feel so genuine.

Anointing for ministry is a free gift, not something I earned. I've been prophesied over, and have been told by multiple people that God has given me a heart for full-time ministry. Sometimes I feel like people have this sense of "awe" about me, like I'm some amazing holy person or something. And of course because of that, it's easy to get cocky and think, "Yeah, I am pretty holy aren't I?" The bottom line is that I didn't earn this by hard work, but it was something God ordained me to do. He chose me well before I was even close to being equipped for this....actually it was even well before I was born. I even get this feeling like, "Oh great here's so-in-so..." and then put on this fake smile when they approach me. The selfish pride in my heart in situations like this is just sickening. Why can't I greet this person like I would greet someone I actually want to see? If I ever gave you the vibe that I was acting like that, please forgive me. Even if you didn't feel that vibe and I was doing it anyways, please forgive me.

I know that a lot of these things are just "human struggles" that everyone goes through. I also know that these things just go to show that I need Jesus just as much as the next guy. He didn't die for me because of how cool I am, but because of how uncool I am. He died for me because of issues like the ones I'm writing about now. God's grace is amazing that He would use someone like me and call me a saint when my motives at times are most definitely not saintly at all. However He does that because He doesn't see me, but the One who died for me and met the standard I'm trying to reach.

To God be the Glory.

Peace,

Steve

Numb

This song "Numb" by Linkin Park (Facebook users see posted link in my profile) I think paints a good picture about what it's like to be broken, though it's from a worldly standpoint where there is no hope. I actually listened to this song a lot when I was in high school and struggled with depression in hopes of it being a comfort mechanism. In what is posted you'll see what I found my true Hope to be.

"Ice ages..." I heard a homeless guy in Burlington, Vermont tell me once when I was street witnessing there with some friends.

"What do you mean?" we asked him.

I remembered his bloodshot, exhausted and empty eyes as they looked at me. "You remember that scripture that talks about God spitting the lukewarm out of His mouth? Ice ages...I don't feel anything. Ice ages..."

Have you ever felt so depressed and you wanted to just let it all out, but for some strange reason you couldn't cry? You would sit there and feel absolutely miserable, but no tears would be welling up in your eyes. There was just...nothing.

Though I thank God I'm no longer in that deep rut of depression that I was in during high school, sometimes because of that I can forget what it was actually like to feel like I felt. I never want to feel it again, but at the same time in order to reach out to those who struggle with it, I don't want to forget it. This post will serve as two things: a reminder for me and an encouragement for you if you're someone who is going through that right now.

I grew up in a culture and crowd during high school where depression was the norm. People struggled, people cried, people hated life and at the same time didn't care because life was always going to be like that and they would just have to deal with it. Some I knew would just put on this fake happy smile like everything was okay. Others would try to cope with that dark, hopeless feeling with alcohol, drugs, romantic relationships, cutting, or whatever other method they could think of.

Now most of the problems I had were internal. I never really had bad circumstances in my life, like what some of my friends had. I never had a broken home or anything like that. I had and still have great parents who love and support me very much, which I am extremely thankful for. School did stress me out, but it wasn't bad enough to cause me to want to cut myself. I just had these internal battles with just feeling down all the time. The weird thing was that in some ways I actually wanted it. I wanted to feel like life was worthless. I almost craved it, which was crazy, and honestly I wouldn't be surprised if that was how it was with the rest of that "goth/punk/skater/emo" crew I grew up in during high school.

At the same time I wanted a release so badly. I remembered how much I wanted one during those times, which was part of the reason why I tried cutting. I'd pick up a blade, usually not a razor blade but a blunt one like scissors. Blunt ones hurt more. It was harder to get blood, but it hurt. I'd let loose, there would be a high and then it would be over. And you know what? There was no freedom. Just the same numb feeling and a new problem of concealing a wound from friends and family.

I don't mean to sound so depressing, but that was my life in high school. That was what I wrestled with. Loud music was another form of release. I'd crank Linkin Park or something and I would just trash my room. Or I would just crank it and get lost in my own fantasy world with the music. But once more there was no freedom. I was still numb, the problems were still there and now my ears were ringing and I had a new mess to clean up.

And then came Jesus. I used to look at God as being this big, powerful guy on a throne who really wanted nothing to do with me. If anything, He was just there to mock me. He would show off and then laugh when I fell. However when I turned my life to Him, I realized how much God loved me and how much He wanted to actually help me out. I could just come to Him as I was. It took awhile, but God showed me His love, His comfort, and His peace. Not only that, but He actually helped me solve those problems I would be struggling with. It was awful, but over time I found more and more comfort in God's grace.

I found love that wasn't in some girl or even in what my parents showed me. It was in the reality of the all-powerful God of the universe, whose standards are perfection or nothing, deciding to send His Son on a rescue mission to earth. He took on Himself the sins of the world and bore the wrath of God, the pain we deserve and died a brutal death on a cross. He also resurrected, beating all of that. He did it not only so we can be set free from sin, but so we can freely come to God and talk with Him. That love right there is beyond any other love I could ever receive in my lifetime.

It's such a comfort for me knowing that no matter what pain I go through, I am not alone. Though there are times when I may feel alone, I am never alone. Nothing separates me from God. That is a promise He gives us when we decide to trust and fully believe in Him.

And to tell you what, life doesn't just get "dandy" after someone gives their life to Jesus. Things aren't always "happily ever after." Sometimes circumstances in life get brutal and may actually get worse than before you even gave your life to Jesus. Sometimes you even pray for release, for healing, for a breakthrough and there is just....nothing. You get no verbal affirmation from God, no prophecy, nothing. You just get cold silence.

Life even as a Christian isn't all smiles. On a sidenote, it drives me crazy if I'm having a bad day and someone comes up to me....usually it's some giddy girl.....and they just say to you, "SMILE!" It's just so artificial and honestly so dangerous to live your life with a fake smile on your face. Sometimes life just gets rotten, whether you're a Christian or not.

However in Christ we have something to look forward to. Even our deepest pains have purpose and there is a bigger plan for them. You see when someone is in Christ, he or she is deeply involved in a plan that is so much larger than "just getting by in their own life." We may not see that plan at all. We may not feel God's warm embrace.

But He is there.

So to those out there who don't know Jesus...I'm not trying to look down on you and condemn you, but you need Him...more than you'll ever know. He can comfort and He can heal. And to my friends who do know Jesus, but who don't feel Him...please, I beg of you, stand strong. Don't give up. It's easier to say this than to feel it, but God is there. This is for a purpose. He will rescue you.

This is long, and this was edited a few times before being posted.

God bless,

Steve

Good Quote

“To the gals in clear heels, to the guys in clear heels, to the drunks, the addicts, the perverts, the victims, the porn stars, the prostitutes, the adulterers, the thieves, the obese gluttons who think that a waist is a terrible thing to mind, the Twilight fans, the murderers, the mama’s boys, the losers, the freaks, the geeks, people who think wrestling is real, red necks, guys who own action figures, chain smokers, everyone who does not use a turn signal while texting and talking on the phone in their car, men who live with their mother, women who get paid in $1 bills, dudes in dresses—” seen it at Mars Hill, “Democrats, Republicans, the guys at the gym who walk around the locker room naked singing Bon Jovi’s 'Living on a Prayer', Mormons and anyone else who wears sacred underbritches, whoever is responsible for the creation and ongoing sale of men’s Lycra biking shorts, guild leaders, yoga instructors, witches, pot heads, meat heads, crack heads, deadheads and meth heads, Trekkies, people who don’t recycle, the rainbow-loving, tree-hugging, Prius-driving leftists, and religious people who do not know what I am talking about because these subjects were not on Little House on the Prairie or covered in their home school co-op, I have good news for you: You’re welcome at Mars Hill. Jesus loves you. You’ll fit right in and because he died for all your sins, you get to repent."

A closing remark from a sermon called "Jesus Loves Sinners" by Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church. Go here if you want to listen to the entire sermon.

God bless,

Steve