This post serves a few purposes. It's to get a few things off my chest and out in the open. It's also for me so I can actually see these issues and pray about them. They're also for you to pray about for me, if you don't mind. Lastly, they're to show to others that as a Christian, I'm not perfect, but just forgiven. These are in no particular order....
My theology changes a lot. Obviously my root in Christ never changes, but I learn new things and feel new convictions about certain issues everyday. There are still certain issues I still don't know about and I'm still wrestling with. People tell me sometimes that I have so much knowledge about the Bible. The truth is, I'm flattered, but I don't know enough and I'm still learning. I know I have been in the company of friends before where they witness me saying one thing on a particular issue, and then a little later they hear me saying something completely different. I don't want to be a "flip-flopper", but sometimes I feel like one. For example something that I'm wrestling with right now is the importance of going to church. Does one have to go to church on Sunday? Does a Bible study with a few friends constitute "church"? Pray for me on this because I am struggling. Intellectually I can probably tell you "no" or "yes" on certain issues, but my heart is having a hard time following suit.
Making friends can be easy, but being a friend is hard. Does anyone else know what I'm saying? I war with this desire sometimes between keeping a friend and being a friend. There are times when I feel like I should tell something to someone that they need to hear, mainly about the good news of Jesus, but because I don't want to lose them as a friend, I chicken out. Other times it may be about certain issues where they disrespect me, and I want to stand up, but I chicken out. I feel like David after he becomes king. David had a heart after people and loved them, but he was such a pushover at times. Read 2 Samuel and you'll see a whole lot of that. I've written things on here directed toward certain people at times, but have never actually confronted those people on those issues. You don't know who you are, and to tell you the truth, no names are immediately coming to mind, but I feel like I need to apologize. People have told me that I have such a genuine love for people, but in issues like this it doesn't feel so genuine.
Anointing for ministry is a free gift, not something I earned. I've been prophesied over, and have been told by multiple people that God has given me a heart for full-time ministry. Sometimes I feel like people have this sense of "awe" about me, like I'm some amazing holy person or something. And of course because of that, it's easy to get cocky and think, "Yeah, I am pretty holy aren't I?" The bottom line is that I didn't earn this by hard work, but it was something God ordained me to do. He chose me well before I was even close to being equipped for this....actually it was even well before I was born. I even get this feeling like, "Oh great here's so-in-so..." and then put on this fake smile when they approach me. The selfish pride in my heart in situations like this is just sickening. Why can't I greet this person like I would greet someone I actually want to see? If I ever gave you the vibe that I was acting like that, please forgive me. Even if you didn't feel that vibe and I was doing it anyways, please forgive me.
I know that a lot of these things are just "human struggles" that everyone goes through. I also know that these things just go to show that I need Jesus just as much as the next guy. He didn't die for me because of how cool I am, but because of how uncool I am. He died for me because of issues like the ones I'm writing about now. God's grace is amazing that He would use someone like me and call me a saint when my motives at times are most definitely not saintly at all. However He does that because He doesn't see me, but the One who died for me and met the standard I'm trying to reach.
To God be the Glory.
Peace,
Steve
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