Numb

This song "Numb" by Linkin Park (Facebook users see posted link in my profile) I think paints a good picture about what it's like to be broken, though it's from a worldly standpoint where there is no hope. I actually listened to this song a lot when I was in high school and struggled with depression in hopes of it being a comfort mechanism. In what is posted you'll see what I found my true Hope to be.

"Ice ages..." I heard a homeless guy in Burlington, Vermont tell me once when I was street witnessing there with some friends.

"What do you mean?" we asked him.

I remembered his bloodshot, exhausted and empty eyes as they looked at me. "You remember that scripture that talks about God spitting the lukewarm out of His mouth? Ice ages...I don't feel anything. Ice ages..."

Have you ever felt so depressed and you wanted to just let it all out, but for some strange reason you couldn't cry? You would sit there and feel absolutely miserable, but no tears would be welling up in your eyes. There was just...nothing.

Though I thank God I'm no longer in that deep rut of depression that I was in during high school, sometimes because of that I can forget what it was actually like to feel like I felt. I never want to feel it again, but at the same time in order to reach out to those who struggle with it, I don't want to forget it. This post will serve as two things: a reminder for me and an encouragement for you if you're someone who is going through that right now.

I grew up in a culture and crowd during high school where depression was the norm. People struggled, people cried, people hated life and at the same time didn't care because life was always going to be like that and they would just have to deal with it. Some I knew would just put on this fake happy smile like everything was okay. Others would try to cope with that dark, hopeless feeling with alcohol, drugs, romantic relationships, cutting, or whatever other method they could think of.

Now most of the problems I had were internal. I never really had bad circumstances in my life, like what some of my friends had. I never had a broken home or anything like that. I had and still have great parents who love and support me very much, which I am extremely thankful for. School did stress me out, but it wasn't bad enough to cause me to want to cut myself. I just had these internal battles with just feeling down all the time. The weird thing was that in some ways I actually wanted it. I wanted to feel like life was worthless. I almost craved it, which was crazy, and honestly I wouldn't be surprised if that was how it was with the rest of that "goth/punk/skater/emo" crew I grew up in during high school.

At the same time I wanted a release so badly. I remembered how much I wanted one during those times, which was part of the reason why I tried cutting. I'd pick up a blade, usually not a razor blade but a blunt one like scissors. Blunt ones hurt more. It was harder to get blood, but it hurt. I'd let loose, there would be a high and then it would be over. And you know what? There was no freedom. Just the same numb feeling and a new problem of concealing a wound from friends and family.

I don't mean to sound so depressing, but that was my life in high school. That was what I wrestled with. Loud music was another form of release. I'd crank Linkin Park or something and I would just trash my room. Or I would just crank it and get lost in my own fantasy world with the music. But once more there was no freedom. I was still numb, the problems were still there and now my ears were ringing and I had a new mess to clean up.

And then came Jesus. I used to look at God as being this big, powerful guy on a throne who really wanted nothing to do with me. If anything, He was just there to mock me. He would show off and then laugh when I fell. However when I turned my life to Him, I realized how much God loved me and how much He wanted to actually help me out. I could just come to Him as I was. It took awhile, but God showed me His love, His comfort, and His peace. Not only that, but He actually helped me solve those problems I would be struggling with. It was awful, but over time I found more and more comfort in God's grace.

I found love that wasn't in some girl or even in what my parents showed me. It was in the reality of the all-powerful God of the universe, whose standards are perfection or nothing, deciding to send His Son on a rescue mission to earth. He took on Himself the sins of the world and bore the wrath of God, the pain we deserve and died a brutal death on a cross. He also resurrected, beating all of that. He did it not only so we can be set free from sin, but so we can freely come to God and talk with Him. That love right there is beyond any other love I could ever receive in my lifetime.

It's such a comfort for me knowing that no matter what pain I go through, I am not alone. Though there are times when I may feel alone, I am never alone. Nothing separates me from God. That is a promise He gives us when we decide to trust and fully believe in Him.

And to tell you what, life doesn't just get "dandy" after someone gives their life to Jesus. Things aren't always "happily ever after." Sometimes circumstances in life get brutal and may actually get worse than before you even gave your life to Jesus. Sometimes you even pray for release, for healing, for a breakthrough and there is just....nothing. You get no verbal affirmation from God, no prophecy, nothing. You just get cold silence.

Life even as a Christian isn't all smiles. On a sidenote, it drives me crazy if I'm having a bad day and someone comes up to me....usually it's some giddy girl.....and they just say to you, "SMILE!" It's just so artificial and honestly so dangerous to live your life with a fake smile on your face. Sometimes life just gets rotten, whether you're a Christian or not.

However in Christ we have something to look forward to. Even our deepest pains have purpose and there is a bigger plan for them. You see when someone is in Christ, he or she is deeply involved in a plan that is so much larger than "just getting by in their own life." We may not see that plan at all. We may not feel God's warm embrace.

But He is there.

So to those out there who don't know Jesus...I'm not trying to look down on you and condemn you, but you need Him...more than you'll ever know. He can comfort and He can heal. And to my friends who do know Jesus, but who don't feel Him...please, I beg of you, stand strong. Don't give up. It's easier to say this than to feel it, but God is there. This is for a purpose. He will rescue you.

This is long, and this was edited a few times before being posted.

God bless,

Steve