Recently, I got to see a movie that my church showed called Letters to God. It was based on a true story about a young boy named Tyler who was diagnosed with cancer (no idea what type...I missed the beginning of the movie), who every night wrote reflective letters to God about struggles, victories, and sometimes just really random questions. What is peculiar, however, is that this boy, out of his simple mind, would actually fold the letter up, place it in an envelope, put a stamp on it and would give it to the mailman to send to God.
That mailman, named Brady, who basically was at a difficult place in life, was at first confused as to what to do with them, but over time he actually developed a deep relationship with the boy. As the story progressed, he finally found himself reading some of those letters, which he kept, and was deeply touched by the innocence and bravery of the boy. He then starts handing letters out to the community in the town and they all get very blessed by this young boy's heart, especially in his relationship with God.
What really spoke to me about this movie was the fact that this boy was not intentionally trying to reach his community with these letters. He was in reality just a son who frequently shared his heart with his Heavenly Father. However his love, bravery and honesty expressed in those letters blessed many people and is now blessing even more people years later!
What struck me about this movie is that this kid was not "intentional" in his evangelizing. He actually didn't even mean to reach out to people and draw them closer to God. He didn't go out on the streets and hand out his letters to people, and when he did hand his letter to the mailman, he wasn't expecting the mailman to read the letter, he was in his mind just thinking, "The mailman will get this to God."
Reaching people for Christ and impacting them in a significant way is actually in many ways more natural than one thinks. Christians don't always have to use the "Bridge Illustration" or the "Think You're a Good Person?" test. Sometimes you just have to be yourself and if you know and love Christ on a deep and personal level, your light in Him will just naturally shine!
"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden." -Matthew 5:14
"On the third day on my new job, I was sitting on my bed reading my Bible. I had now reached Nehemiah. I felt very sorry for him and understood why he wept and mourned when he heard about Jerusalem in its great need and could do nothing about it. He was a sort of butler and had to obey his employer just like I did, I thought. Then I turned to the second chapter. 'But he did go,' I exclaimed aloud, and got up, a strange elation within me. 'He went in spite of everything!'
As if someone was in the room, a voice said clearly, 'Gladys Aylward, is Nehemiah's God your God?'
'Yes, of course!' I replied.
'Then do what Nehemiah did, and go.'
'But I am not Nehemiah.'
'No, but assuredly I am his God.'
That settled everything for me. I believed these were my marching orders.
I put my Bible on the bed, beside it my copy of Daily Light and, at the side of that, all the money I had--2 1/2 pence (or two and a half cents). What a ridiculous little collection it seemed, but I said simply, 'O God, here's the Bible about which I long to tell others, here's my Daily Light that every day will give me a new promise and here is 2 1/2 pence. If You want me, I am going to China with these.'"
-from Gladys Aylward's autobiography, The Little Woman (emphasis added)
Gladys Aylward was a missionary to China in the 1930s and 40s. She had this amazing eagerness and a deep desire to reach the people in China for Christ. She was told a lot of her life leading up to this point that Chinese was too difficult of a language for her and that she would never make it over there. She battled with discouragement until that fateful night when she surrendered all she had: a Bible, a devotional book and 2 1/2 pence, the English equivalent of 2 1/2 pennies.
Right after Gladys prayed that prayer, there was a knock at the door and it was her mistress, asking her how much she paid to travel to London, where she was working as a maid. Her goal with this job was to save up enough money to get a train to China. Her mistress asked her how much it cost her to get to London and she replied that it cost her two shillings and nine pence. Then the mistress reimbursed her three shillings. Her 2 1/2 pence just increased significantly!
Long story short, Gladys worked her tail off and was able to get enough money to board a train to China, where she would ultimately do some amazing work in people's lives over there, especially in the lives of Chinese children.
What got Gladys over to China initially? Was it the money she collected? Was it the train she took? Was it the network of people she collaborated with?
NO! It was her faith. It was that moment when she said to God, "Here is everything, and I am Yours. Please God, get me to China, the place You have called me to be."
I completely understand Gladys because that is how I feel with this opportunity God has given me this coming year to work with college students at Eastern Connecticut State University and Manchester Community College.
Like Gladys, I don't have much right now. The only thing I feel like I do have is this desire inside of me to go over there.
I believe God is challenging me to be like Gladys, because Nehemiah's God is Gladys' God, and Gladys' God is my God!
A song by Flyleaf called "In The Dark" had this line in it: "I used to be afraid of cluttered noises, now I'm afraid of silence."
It's interesting how life nowadays is so filled with NOISE! We love noise and constantly crave it, especially now with wonderful technological advances that make listening to music incredibly easy. People can just turn on their iPods and plug in, pumping sound into their eardrums. For myself personally I cannot think of one time that I didn't have some song stuck in my head that I had listened to before.
There is so much noise everywhere we turn! Whether it's from our iPods, cars, computers, televisions, cell phones, bluetooths (blueteeth?), radios (yes people still do use those), and much more.
There are times when I literally have to will myself to silence. For example, a little known fact about when I write is that I always write while listening to music. It doesn't matter what music it is, but I just love the harmonious flow of my writing to the music I'm listening to. However for this post, I'm actually writing it in complete silence. No music, no YouTube videos, nothing. Just the sound of my keyboard pattering as I type it.
Here is a verse that God has been putting on my heart a lot lately: "The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent" (Exodus 14:14). The context of this verse is actually an interesting one. The Israelites, a people under the slavery of Egypt for years have finally been liberated and Moses is leading them away. Suddenly off in the distance those people see Egyptian troops approaching with Pharaoh at the lead. Their faith and excitement instantly vanishes as they immediately start complaining to Moses wishing they were back in the "comforts" of Egypt.
Then Moses says those words to these doubting and complaining people. Shortly after he says them, God does an amazing thing never seen before on planet earth. For an entire night, He takes a massive body of water weighing several tons and parts it with a strong east wind. He doesn't just part the water on top of the sea floor either with that wind, but the wind is so strong that it dries the very ground underneath that sea. This causes it to be sturdy and walkable for thousands of scared Israelites to cross to safety.
Though it doesn't say what the reaction of the Israelites was as this water parted, I wouldn't be surprised if there was an eerie hush over that crowd all night as they sat and watched the handiwork of the massive God they serve.
Has anyone ever felt like God has totally given up on them? Has anyone ever felt trapped by the circumstances around them wondering how they are ever going to get out?
For me, I have been there and I would be lying if I said I wasn't there now. I explained in my last post this dilemma I find myself in. I feel God has called me to minister to students at Eastern Connecticut State University (ECSU) and Manchester Community College (MCC). I say this because He got me this far already. In getting accepted to the EDGE Corps program, in being selected to go to these campuses I looked at them as signs of God's sovereign will and plan for this chapter of my life.
And now, here I stand looking out at this massive body of water filled with doubt, fear, discouragement, and maybe even depression. On the opposite shore is ECSU and MCC: two campuses that desperately need to hear the good news of Jesus Christ. I have made calls, I have set appointments, and I have sent out letters. I have in many ways done everything I possibly can, and I will still do everything I possibly can.
However, according to that verse, God will fight for me. And right now, I have only to be silent, to wait. Wait on the sovereign and loving hand of God to make His move.
So what's it gonna be, Lord? I say that not in a challenging way, but in a trusting way.
God can move on these people's hearts. He can do it in New England, Florida, Texas, Ohio, California, Seattle, wherever He wants to, and if this is His will, which I believe that it is, then He will move.
Do you want to donate? Then right now make sure that God does. It is His money, not yours. If you don't believe in Christ and want to give then well...God bless you for your honesty and your charitable heart.
A popular cartoon in the early 90's called Duck Tales, had this quote at the beginning of its theme song, "Life is like a hurricane." Interesting how a quote from a kid's TV show could be so profound, but think about it. Doesn't life just feel like that sometimes? There are those beautiful mountaintop moments with a jaw-dropping view and the wind whistling through your sweaty clothes as you take the scenery in, rejoice with friends, or just give a loud, "HUZZAH!" Then, however, you have to eventually get down off that mountaintop and walk into the deep, dark, dirty, buggy, muggy wilderness. Recently I got a chance to meet with some friends at Northern Frontier, a Christian boys camp in the Adirondack Mountains. It was a great time with great people and it was very difficult to leave, but during my time up there I was literally reminded of a spiritual reality called the wilderness.
You see, the Adirondack Mountain area is known very well for its uneasy terrain. There is an excess amount of roots, rocks, massive mud puddles and washed out areas. Even on flat ground! On top of that there are mosquitoes that constantly are hungering for your blood as they land on you, stick that sharp hollow needle in your skin and feast on some of your blood. And don't get me started on those deer flies! They constantly are flying around your head, looking for a place to either roost in your hair or bite your neck. And every time you try and swat them, they escape before you get the chance to make them pay. And on top of that there is NO CELL PHONE SERVICE! So if you slip, fall and get hurt you can't even call 9-1-1. You have to run back to camp, which is usually pretty far, and get help. And if you're off camp grounds then you find the nearest park ranger or something.
For the record, I love it in the Adirondacks with my good friends out there, and miss it dearly, but those conditions are the spiritual reality sometimes.
Sometimes life just gets hard, and you pray asking God that it would just end, but for some strange reason, it just won't end. Maybe you're there right now, whether it's your fault or not. Right now for me...I feel like I'm there. I feel like I'm in that wilderness, dealing with that rocky terrain and swatting at those deer flies and mosquitoes.
It's interesting because in the accounts of Jesus after He was baptized it says that Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness (Matthew 4:1). Now, the wilderness for Jesus wasn't Adirondack Mountain wilderness, but hot, scorching desert wilderness. On top of that, He wasn't eating or drinking anything for 40 days! Even if Survivor Man tried doing that, he'd probably die. But what's interesting is that part that says "the Spirit led Jesus into the wilderness."
So it was God's will for Him to be there? Now granted, Jesus is God, so really it was His will, but it's still interesting that Jesus went there and did that right after He got baptized with the Holy Spirit and water. I bet He didn't even change His clothes!
The wilderness is a common theme in the Bible. Moses ran away into the wilderness, as did Elijah in the Old Testament. John the Baptist was also another example. He lived in the wilderness for probably most of his life just being alone with God and living off the wild before embarking on his ministry. Paul also had a time when he disappeared too right after he met Christ, and he briefly talked about it in Galatians 1:15-17.
So what am I getting at? The point is that God is first of all sovereign. Yes, He is loving and good, but He is also LORD! He can do whatever He wants to whomever He wants and no one, not even Chuck Norris can stop Him (Chuck Norris is a Christian by the way). God is second of all good, and He does at times sovereignly decide to let our lives get totally messed up! He mainly, of course, does this for His own glory because it's all about Him. He does it really to draw us closer to Him and build us up in Him. We could either be knee-deep in mucky sin or living life in the holy fast lane. Sometimes life throws us curveballs, and God lets them come. God does work all things out for our good, but our good isn't necessarily a good that we agree with.
Well that stinks! God lets bad things happen to me for my own good? How is that good? Well first of all, God is the ultimate source of goodness, and because God is the ultimate source of goodness, He wants to draw us closer to Him! I know that through my trials one thing I've been doing a lot of is praying. I'm drawing closer to God. A lot of the Psalms in the Bible were written during times when things were absolutely horrible! Not only that, but when we come out of those hard times, we come out of them stronger and even closer to God than when we started. That's why James calls it "pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of any kind" (1:2).
Right now...I'm here in the wilderness. To bring it personal on my life, I don't know how God is going to provide for me. I'm not even at 5% of my funding goal and I start ministry in less than a month. On top of that, I just found out this past week that I have been diagnosed with minor arthritis in my left knee, which has been quite swollen recently. Right now I'm doing physical therapy and taking anti-inflammatory medication, but this crazy knee is still swollen. Financially speaking, I have no idea how to pay for all this, especially if I have to get surgery or something. With my health insurance I'm still in "deductible mode", which means you have to pay almost the full amount of the cost every time you go to the doctor until you reach a certain amount. I don't have enough money hanging around to pay all that.
So yes, right now I'm praying. If you want...please pray for me too. If you actually feel led to support me, please contact me personally at stimmons86@gmail.com.
I remember a verse that says, "The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent" (Exodus 14:14). Sometimes, all one can do is wait.
So first of all, it's been awhile. My mom, who is this blog's number one fan, checks this blog daily and the other day she said to me, "Steve, you haven't written in this in awhile!" So Mom...this one's for you!
Lots has been going on. I went off for training in mid-June for a program called EDGE Corps (Evangelizing, Discipling, Growing, and Experiencing). It's a program with a non-profit organization called The Navigators. Through the program I'll be working at Eastern Connecticut State University (ECSU), a school I recently graduated from, and Manchester Community College (MCC). I'll mostly be at ECSU and I will be working with college students on a small-scale and relational basis. If they're not Christians, my hope is to meet them where they're at in their doubts, fears and struggles and to look at them not as projects, but as people made in the image and likeness of Christ. My hope is to, of course, draw them closer to Christ. If they're Christians, my hope is to encourage them in their faith and to turn them not just into a passive follower who absorbs information, but someone who actively lives it out for the Kingdom.
Since coming back from a ten-day training session there, I have been steadily raising support through meetings with people, phone calls and sending out letters. Above all, I've just been trusting God for provision.
Has it been easy? I'd be totally lying if I said yes, however it has been a fun and interesting growing experience. It's an interesting thing when one jumps out in faith like this. Just think about it...I'm truly relying on God to supply my needs! My salary isn't guaranteed everyday. It's all based on how God moves individual people who partner with me to give joyfully to Him. Then He in turn blesses them and gives to me.
One should always rely on God even if they work a job with a full-blown salary. You don't earn your way, God blesses you with it. Don't just rejoice in your hard work, rejoice in His blessing! My old job was at a pharmacy delivering medications to people. It was only a minimum-wage job that BARELY paid the bills and there were a lot of times when I didn't even know how the next month's wave of expenses would be paid. Then...they were!
Stay tuned for another post coming shortly about some things I've been battling with, and as I preach to myself as a reminder of how God has and will always provide.
I don't normally talk about my life on these things by the way. That's not my style. I mention things and struggles, but the central part of why I write is to edify others with a message, not to just "tell them about me." If I want to just "reflect on me" I'll journal elsewhere or I'll go take a prayer walk or something. I just felt like I needed to say that.
You can donate to my cause, but if you want to know more I'd have to ask you to e-mail me at stimmons86@gmail.com. There I can give you the necessary information.
This post serves a few purposes. It's to get a few things off my chest and out in the open. It's also for me so I can actually see these issues and pray about them. They're also for you to pray about for me, if you don't mind. Lastly, they're to show to others that as a Christian, I'm not perfect, but just forgiven. These are in no particular order....
My theology changes a lot. Obviously my root in Christ never changes, but I learn new things and feel new convictions about certain issues everyday. There are still certain issues I still don't know about and I'm still wrestling with. People tell me sometimes that I have so much knowledge about the Bible. The truth is, I'm flattered, but I don't know enough and I'm still learning. I know I have been in the company of friends before where they witness me saying one thing on a particular issue, and then a little later they hear me saying something completely different. I don't want to be a "flip-flopper", but sometimes I feel like one. For example something that I'm wrestling with right now is the importance of going to church. Does one have to go to church on Sunday? Does a Bible study with a few friends constitute "church"? Pray for me on this because I am struggling. Intellectually I can probably tell you "no" or "yes" on certain issues, but my heart is having a hard time following suit.
Making friends can be easy, but being a friend is hard. Does anyone else know what I'm saying? I war with this desire sometimes between keeping a friend and being a friend. There are times when I feel like I should tell something to someone that they need to hear, mainly about the good news of Jesus, but because I don't want to lose them as a friend, I chicken out. Other times it may be about certain issues where they disrespect me, and I want to stand up, but I chicken out. I feel like David after he becomes king. David had a heart after people and loved them, but he was such a pushover at times. Read 2 Samuel and you'll see a whole lot of that. I've written things on here directed toward certain people at times, but have never actually confronted those people on those issues. You don't know who you are, and to tell you the truth, no names are immediately coming to mind, but I feel like I need to apologize. People have told me that I have such a genuine love for people, but in issues like this it doesn't feel so genuine.
Anointing for ministry is a free gift, not something I earned. I've been prophesied over, and have been told by multiple people that God has given me a heart for full-time ministry. Sometimes I feel like people have this sense of "awe" about me, like I'm some amazing holy person or something. And of course because of that, it's easy to get cocky and think, "Yeah, I am pretty holy aren't I?" The bottom line is that I didn't earn this by hard work, but it was something God ordained me to do. He chose me well before I was even close to being equipped for this....actually it was even well before I was born. I even get this feeling like, "Oh great here's so-in-so..." and then put on this fake smile when they approach me. The selfish pride in my heart in situations like this is just sickening. Why can't I greet this person like I would greet someone I actually want to see? If I ever gave you the vibe that I was acting like that, please forgive me. Even if you didn't feel that vibe and I was doing it anyways, please forgive me.
I know that a lot of these things are just "human struggles" that everyone goes through. I also know that these things just go to show that I need Jesus just as much as the next guy. He didn't die for me because of how cool I am, but because of how uncool I am. He died for me because of issues like the ones I'm writing about now. God's grace is amazing that He would use someone like me and call me a saint when my motives at times are most definitely not saintly at all. However He does that because He doesn't see me, but the One who died for me and met the standard I'm trying to reach.
This song "Numb" by Linkin Park (Facebook users see posted link in my profile) I think paints a good picture about what it's like to be broken, though it's from a worldly standpoint where there is no hope. I actually listened to this song a lot when I was in high school and struggled with depression in hopes of it being a comfort mechanism. In what is posted you'll see what I found my true Hope to be.
"Ice ages..." I heard a homeless guy in Burlington, Vermont tell me once when I was street witnessing there with some friends.
"What do you mean?" we asked him.
I remembered his bloodshot, exhausted and empty eyes as they looked at me. "You remember that scripture that talks about God spitting the lukewarm out of His mouth? Ice ages...I don't feel anything. Ice ages..."
Have you ever felt so depressed and you wanted to just let it all out, but for some strange reason you couldn't cry? You would sit there and feel absolutely miserable, but no tears would be welling up in your eyes. There was just...nothing.
Though I thank God I'm no longer in that deep rut of depression that I was in during high school, sometimes because of that I can forget what it was actually like to feel like I felt. I never want to feel it again, but at the same time in order to reach out to those who struggle with it, I don't want to forget it. This post will serve as two things: a reminder for me and an encouragement for you if you're someone who is going through that right now.
I grew up in a culture and crowd during high school where depression was the norm. People struggled, people cried, people hated life and at the same time didn't care because life was always going to be like that and they would just have to deal with it. Some I knew would just put on this fake happy smile like everything was okay. Others would try to cope with that dark, hopeless feeling with alcohol, drugs, romantic relationships, cutting, or whatever other method they could think of.
Now most of the problems I had were internal. I never really had bad circumstances in my life, like what some of my friends had. I never had a broken home or anything like that. I had and still have great parents who love and support me very much, which I am extremely thankful for. School did stress me out, but it wasn't bad enough to cause me to want to cut myself. I just had these internal battles with just feeling down all the time. The weird thing was that in some ways I actually wanted it. I wanted to feel like life was worthless. I almost craved it, which was crazy, and honestly I wouldn't be surprised if that was how it was with the rest of that "goth/punk/skater/emo" crew I grew up in during high school.
At the same time I wanted a release so badly. I remembered how much I wanted one during those times, which was part of the reason why I tried cutting. I'd pick up a blade, usually not a razor blade but a blunt one like scissors. Blunt ones hurt more. It was harder to get blood, but it hurt. I'd let loose, there would be a high and then it would be over. And you know what? There was no freedom. Just the same numb feeling and a new problem of concealing a wound from friends and family.
I don't mean to sound so depressing, but that was my life in high school. That was what I wrestled with. Loud music was another form of release. I'd crank Linkin Park or something and I would just trash my room. Or I would just crank it and get lost in my own fantasy world with the music. But once more there was no freedom. I was still numb, the problems were still there and now my ears were ringing and I had a new mess to clean up.
And then came Jesus. I used to look at God as being this big, powerful guy on a throne who really wanted nothing to do with me. If anything, He was just there to mock me. He would show off and then laugh when I fell. However when I turned my life to Him, I realized how much God loved me and how much He wanted to actually help me out. I could just come to Him as I was. It took awhile, but God showed me His love, His comfort, and His peace. Not only that, but He actually helped me solve those problems I would be struggling with. It was awful, but over time I found more and more comfort in God's grace.
I found love that wasn't in some girl or even in what my parents showed me. It was in the reality of the all-powerful God of the universe, whose standards are perfection or nothing, deciding to send His Son on a rescue mission to earth. He took on Himself the sins of the world and bore the wrath of God, the pain we deserve and died a brutal death on a cross. He also resurrected, beating all of that. He did it not only so we can be set free from sin, but so we can freely come to God and talk with Him. That love right there is beyond any other love I could ever receive in my lifetime.
It's such a comfort for me knowing that no matter what pain I go through, I am not alone. Though there are times when I may feel alone, I am never alone. Nothing separates me from God. That is a promise He gives us when we decide to trust and fully believe in Him.
And to tell you what, life doesn't just get "dandy" after someone gives their life to Jesus. Things aren't always "happily ever after." Sometimes circumstances in life get brutal and may actually get worse than before you even gave your life to Jesus. Sometimes you even pray for release, for healing, for a breakthrough and there is just....nothing. You get no verbal affirmation from God, no prophecy, nothing. You just get cold silence.
Life even as a Christian isn't all smiles. On a sidenote, it drives me crazy if I'm having a bad day and someone comes up to me....usually it's some giddy girl.....and they just say to you, "SMILE!" It's just so artificial and honestly so dangerous to live your life with a fake smile on your face. Sometimes life just gets rotten, whether you're a Christian or not.
However in Christ we have something to look forward to. Even our deepest pains have purpose and there is a bigger plan for them. You see when someone is in Christ, he or she is deeply involved in a plan that is so much larger than "just getting by in their own life." We may not see that plan at all. We may not feel God's warm embrace.
But He is there.
So to those out there who don't know Jesus...I'm not trying to look down on you and condemn you, but you need Him...more than you'll ever know. He can comfort and He can heal. And to my friends who do know Jesus, but who don't feel Him...please, I beg of you, stand strong. Don't give up. It's easier to say this than to feel it, but God is there. This is for a purpose. He will rescue you.
This is long, and this was edited a few times before being posted.
